Survivors Voice

Chuck Hansen is a very inspirational guy. He has been a minister and family therapist for years and has written some very successful scripts for educational TV. He lives with his wife, Susan, also a family therapist, and their younger son Nick who is a junior in High School. Chuck and Susan have known each other since the third grade and he refers to her as his “girlfriend.” Chuck had an anuerysm two years ago and is now in the process of rebuilding his life. His attitude is so positive and his vision of life so full of confidence and hope that throughout this interview I gave thanks that I could bring his example to a wider audience. He is not only surviving his brain injury, he is also finding ways to appreciate the gift that has been given to him because of it.

Q: Chuck, tell me a bit about what happened, from your personal point of view, when the anuerysm occurred.

A: Well, my last memory before the stroke is of standing in my closet and reaching up high for something and I heard a “shotgun” sound go off right behind my head. I have a very clear memory of dropping to my knees I wondered who was in the house, how did they get a hold of my shotgun and was I hit. My next memory is of waking up on the floor of that closet, cold, very cold, and a horrible pain in my head. I believe I made it to the bed. Everything is pretty scrambled after that. [My wife] Susan was away from home at the time. It seems to me that it was probably a good 24 hours before the call was made to a physician.

Q: What did the doctor say about it?

A: It was an aneurysm that blew. To the best of my recollection he said it was a very old one, probably there since birth and finally, simply wore through.

Q: What was it like for you as you went through the experience?

A: It was quite an experience. I don’t know when I started talking about this but my recall of it that I was on the floor and I was waking up and I was cold. It was very bright gray and cloudy and I was having this vision or dream or “near death” experience, whatever it might be called, while I was on the floor, you know, in my underwear for goodness sakes. And it was indeed cold. It was late a night. My mother-in-law came to me, the dress she had on is a clear as a bell. She was very gentle and very nurturing. I don’t remember any words but I knew, without any question, that everything was OK. She was truly an angel to me. And I saw another figure approaching, through the bright, gray haze, wearing a white shirt and khaki slacks. As he came closer I saw that it was my long-gone father. What a rich, rich experience. I don’t remember seeing his mouth or lips move but I sure heard his voice. There were not a lot of events that went on in this experience but I do know that some time past and I was perfectly comfortable. He said “Listen, they’re calling you.” There were some voices that were almost distinct but mostly it was whispers and mumbles. I know from having been a preacher that it sounded for all the world like a congregation in prayer. And he said “Come on.” And he picked me up in his arms and we crossed a great void. I don’t have any memory of, you know, seeing planets or suns or stars go by, or any of that but just a sense of a great void. The next thing I remember is coming to on the floor of that closet, cold. Very, very cold. I do think I was carried back. I think I was on the other side.

Q: Do you have any conscious memory of a choice?

A: No. I have conscious memory of, when he said “Come on, they’re calling you” wanting very much to come back. But also, so grateful, I had missed him so much since my college years when he suddenly died. He was such a sweet, gentle man, a great teacher. There was such deep, warm joy to be able to climb into his arms again and be carried home. What a sweet experience. This brain injury stuff and the loss of, what it feels like, all my smarts, is a drag, but this is a worthy compensation.

Q: You feel like it’s worth it?

A: I’ll take it! ‘Cause everything else is here for me. I’ll be able to help people again. I’ll be able to preach again. I certainly can write again. My poetry is as good as it ever was.

Q: You have a vision for your future it sounds like.

A: One is shaping itself. And it’s more like the old Indian put it- “There is a future having me” it isn’t that I have a future. Its drawing me more than I am clamoring toward it. I am a willing participant at this point. I have been to the other side and back. You know, I have no more doubts. I have more questions but I have no more doubts. I am so heartened. De-brained and heartened.

Q: As with all survivors of brain injury you have experienced the loss of certain cognitive functions. Are you experiencing any improvements in those?

A: I’m beginning to see gains. I’m joking when I say that I have to get out of bed and look for my bottom every morning. There was a point in time when that wasn’t a joke. I have an increasing sense of continuity every day. Where I am, what I’m doing, what I did yesterday, how that connects to today. What I have in front of me for tomorrow and what I have to do today for that tomorrow. That is returning and I am a very grateful puppy around that topic. I have suffered and it has been an enormous loss for me to live without that and I did not know until, maybe the last month or two, whether that would ever return. And I really think it’s related to the Foundation [San Diego Brain Injury Foundation] and the classes as well as an actual healing process.

Q: You are involved in the ABI program, at Mesa College, San Diego. Can you talk a little about your experiences there?

A: Again, I see it as heart-based because I see it as relationships. The whole context is historical. It’s school for crying out loud. These are classes! We have a role. The first thing we do at ABI everyday, it’s like kindergarten and circle time for goodness sake! And between each class we get our crackers and juice!

Q: And you have to take your nap?

A: That’s during the class! But the instructors there and the aids there are just outrageously excellent. They get what we’re up to. They get what they’re up against. They’re wonderfully sympathetic to the recovery process.

Q: So you’re becoming better oriented to daily tasks and you can place yourself in the context of these daily tasks.